Saturday, January 19, 2013

On What It Is I Want to Do

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The other day, Gary asked me a simple but very loaded question that kind of opened the floodgates in my thinking machine once I actually started processing his inquiry.

What do you want to do?

He was asking, of course, about what I'm doing w/ the whole nurse job hunt adventure I'm sort of still on. His main concern is how I keep flip-flopping; in my defense, I stopped the back and forth w/ what direction I'm going once I got the email from my most recent job interview that panned out to nothing. I wasn't fed up, stuff just got in the way - Daniel's first birthday, entertaining family, the holidays and everything that entails, hanging out with friends and family still - we JUST got back to normal from all of that, which I'm sure is not unusual. It's just, during that time, my gears shifted.

Gary understands me. He supports my wild ideas and crazy schemes. This is not normal, people. The fact that he is willing to work these crazy hours, sacrificing time at home with this amazing little boy we call our son, so that I can stay home to raise him... and then continue to remind me to write or blog since after a long day of chasing our Tazmanian Devil incarnate, I'm exhausted and just plumb forgot. He's a catch, people! So I get it when, at the end of the day, he still wonders what the fuck it is his wife is thinking. 

I have the tendency to be very defensive, turning into a very ugly person that I am not proud of. This left-field question sent my mind reeling because let's face it, I know exactly what I want to do. Unfortunately for my creativity, I am a very left-brained thinker/doer. Growing up, I crossed my T's and dotted my I's in accordance to what I thought my parents would approve of, and this was totally on me. They never did anything to make me this way. I'm not a rebellious person by any means, so to think of doing something with my life that my parents will not approve of still makes me shake with anxiety. Did I mention that I'll be 28 in a week?

I'm one of those people who come to that dividing line of doing what makes others happy vs. doing what makes me happy, seemingly very often. One very good example where I chose me over them comes to mind; I left my ex-husband. It took a lot of time, self-discovery, and self-allowance to forgive myself for that one. Sometimes, it really does seem like choosing to make others happy over myself is the safest, easiest route to take, doesn't it? But not so.

Had I not chosen to do right by me, I would not be here. Gary would not be mine. Daniel, my son, would not be mine. All of that is inconceivable to me, even the difficulty that is currently our station in life. One thing I've learned is life is a series of ups and downs, even if I don't do what makes me happy, I will still end up sad. So in the end, I will choose me. I will always choose me... since really, I'm all I have.

So I think we all know which road I'm taking now. I'm employing myself, every night from between the times of 9 pm and 2 am Monday through Friday and during the day on weekends, I put on my Jo March "scribbling suit" and write. Sometimes the words flow, other times I struggle. It's really no different than any other endeavor in life and Gary said how now, he can't say I'm not doing anything. Ha! Seriously. I need sleep!

4 comments:

  1. So by "scribbling suit", is this you whipping up resumes and cover letters? Happy 28th Birthday by the way. I enjoyed reading your blog. I should come here more often. You write very well. :)

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    1. Hahaha, definitely the opposite of resumes and cover letters. As fun as making those are, having zero response to them from prospective employers is super fun isn't it?!

      Thanks Leonard :) yes, please come visit more!

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